"I've given and helped others for so long, but now I need help, and where is everyone??"
This is a question I've heard from the hearts of friends who are leaders.
It's a question I've found in my own heart from time to time.
When a person spends their time and energy pouring themselves into others, lifting others up when they're down, building up and encouraging others, and watching and listening for those kinds of needs around them, it's fulfilling and rewarding.
But... what happens when the leader is the one who needs encouragement?
How and where do we find that encouragement we so readily give?
This is a question I've heard from the hearts of friends who are leaders.
It's a question I've found in my own heart from time to time.
When a person spends their time and energy pouring themselves into others, lifting others up when they're down, building up and encouraging others, and watching and listening for those kinds of needs around them, it's fulfilling and rewarding.
But... what happens when the leader is the one who needs encouragement?
How and where do we find that encouragement we so readily give?
When you find yourself hitting a rough patch and could use some encouragement and lifting up yourself - you've felt alone and unsupported. Like there's no one in the world you can be vulnerable with. No one who sees you or notices your needs.
Maybe it's because people see you as strong; as someone who doesn't need help. (So why would they offer it?)
Maybe it's because, as a strong leader, you've not practiced asking for help or voicing a need, so people are unaware.
Either way, you've poured yourself into others and now need pouring into. But where is YOUR someone? Where is your support? Suddenly you start to feel isolated and alone in an already-difficult state.
It feels like rejection.
Or like you've been used.
And it can breed resentment.
And the isolation of the whole thing is a very fertile ground for such roots to grow deep and subtly affect the future not only of you (your perception, character, and willingness / motivation to serve others), but also your followers.
Trust me, I know. I've seen it in a number of leaders I've worked with or am friends with. Heck, I've experienced this myself at times.
If any of this resonates with you, if you've ever felt that leadership loneliness,
I would like to encourage you with a few thoughts.
1. Even Leaders need Leaders
If you're all alone, leading in front, with no one beside you, that's not good.
It might make a good American western story, but not such a good life / leadership experience.
We need each other. If you don't already have a life coach, business coach, or mentor - and I mean someone who knows you in real life and invests in you and builds you up - get one. Trust me, you'll be so glad you did.
2. Even Leaders Need Peers
Beyond having a mentor, we need people who are like us, who understand our way of thinking and can meet us in our victories and struggles like no one else can.
The luckiest people find this in their spouses. Most of us have to seek out these peers. You know, the ones who jump up and down WITH you when you tell them a nerdy victory that would make anyone else stare blankly. THOSE people. You need to find those people and cultivate friendships.
Those relationships will soften the sharp edges of isolation in the good times and the hard times.
3. Get Over Yourself
This one is the hardest, I think.
Two of the biggest reasons we resist sharing our weaker moments are:
A) we don't want to discourage our followers with our problems. We want to build them up, not bring them down, so we say nothing about our own struggles while we're in them.
B) we know admitting weakness - especially when we're still IN it - can damage our reputation, cost us business, and maybe even cost us relationships. THAT kind of pain and rejection makes isolation and resentment feel like a walk through the flowers. So we keep a tight, heavy lid on all things negative.
Both of these reasons are wise and definitely have their place.
We SHOULD be aware of and cautious of these risks!
However.
I think there's a third big reason leaders don't share their weaknesses,
and it's the same reason ANY human doesn't want to, which is that it's freakin' terrifying!
Even to admit the dark secrets to ourselves takes a big dose of courage.
"Gosh, I may have a drinking problem..."
"Hmm. I think I'm struggling with thinking everyone is an A-hole..."
"This symptom could indicate cancer..."
"Our debt is out of control, but I don't know how to get out of it so I'll jut keep using debt, feel like a moron, and hope it all works out "
These are not things we want to admit.
Not to ourselves.
Not to our spouses.
And certainly not to the people who see us as leaders.
This is the part where we need to take our own leader-y advice, point our toes in the direction of help and healing, and do it afraid.
Find at least one person you can trust, and confide in them.
Don't have anyone? HIRE someone. A coach. A counselor. SOMEone.
My friend, you're a strong leader and a caring person.
I love that about you.
You give from your heart, and build up others.
I seriously LOVE that.
But you've forgotten one important person that needs taking care of.
You.
Take care of you.
It's okay to need help.
Even leaders follow. Even leaders need.
The irony is, as you reach out for help in your time of need, you're modelling to those who follow you that this is exactly what they're supposed to do in their time of need! It may not feel pretty, and it may not feel like any kind of leadership at all, but it is.
If you've come through one of those valleys, I'd love it if you would share below one thing that helped you get through.
If you're in this valley of leader-loneliness right now, drop a prayer request in the comments and I'll pray for you.
Not a leader, but know one?
Pass this article on to them so they can be encouraged. (If they're not in a valley right now, they will be at some point.
Stocke them up with food for the journey ;) )
PS. If you are in that place of isolation and need a trustworthy, understanding person to meet you in it, I happen to offer coaching.
I've worked primarily with entrepreneurs and authors, helping them break through barriers like we've just talked about.
The price is affordable, the coaching is down to earth, and my clients have been changed by our time together.
Find out more on my coaching page here.
Maybe it's because people see you as strong; as someone who doesn't need help. (So why would they offer it?)
Maybe it's because, as a strong leader, you've not practiced asking for help or voicing a need, so people are unaware.
Either way, you've poured yourself into others and now need pouring into. But where is YOUR someone? Where is your support? Suddenly you start to feel isolated and alone in an already-difficult state.
It feels like rejection.
Or like you've been used.
And it can breed resentment.
And the isolation of the whole thing is a very fertile ground for such roots to grow deep and subtly affect the future not only of you (your perception, character, and willingness / motivation to serve others), but also your followers.
Trust me, I know. I've seen it in a number of leaders I've worked with or am friends with. Heck, I've experienced this myself at times.
If any of this resonates with you, if you've ever felt that leadership loneliness,
I would like to encourage you with a few thoughts.
1. Even Leaders need Leaders
If you're all alone, leading in front, with no one beside you, that's not good.
It might make a good American western story, but not such a good life / leadership experience.
We need each other. If you don't already have a life coach, business coach, or mentor - and I mean someone who knows you in real life and invests in you and builds you up - get one. Trust me, you'll be so glad you did.
2. Even Leaders Need Peers
Beyond having a mentor, we need people who are like us, who understand our way of thinking and can meet us in our victories and struggles like no one else can.
The luckiest people find this in their spouses. Most of us have to seek out these peers. You know, the ones who jump up and down WITH you when you tell them a nerdy victory that would make anyone else stare blankly. THOSE people. You need to find those people and cultivate friendships.
Those relationships will soften the sharp edges of isolation in the good times and the hard times.
3. Get Over Yourself
This one is the hardest, I think.
Two of the biggest reasons we resist sharing our weaker moments are:
A) we don't want to discourage our followers with our problems. We want to build them up, not bring them down, so we say nothing about our own struggles while we're in them.
B) we know admitting weakness - especially when we're still IN it - can damage our reputation, cost us business, and maybe even cost us relationships. THAT kind of pain and rejection makes isolation and resentment feel like a walk through the flowers. So we keep a tight, heavy lid on all things negative.
Both of these reasons are wise and definitely have their place.
We SHOULD be aware of and cautious of these risks!
However.
I think there's a third big reason leaders don't share their weaknesses,
and it's the same reason ANY human doesn't want to, which is that it's freakin' terrifying!
Even to admit the dark secrets to ourselves takes a big dose of courage.
"Gosh, I may have a drinking problem..."
"Hmm. I think I'm struggling with thinking everyone is an A-hole..."
"This symptom could indicate cancer..."
"Our debt is out of control, but I don't know how to get out of it so I'll jut keep using debt, feel like a moron, and hope it all works out "
These are not things we want to admit.
Not to ourselves.
Not to our spouses.
And certainly not to the people who see us as leaders.
This is the part where we need to take our own leader-y advice, point our toes in the direction of help and healing, and do it afraid.
Find at least one person you can trust, and confide in them.
Don't have anyone? HIRE someone. A coach. A counselor. SOMEone.
My friend, you're a strong leader and a caring person.
I love that about you.
You give from your heart, and build up others.
I seriously LOVE that.
But you've forgotten one important person that needs taking care of.
You.
Take care of you.
It's okay to need help.
Even leaders follow. Even leaders need.
The irony is, as you reach out for help in your time of need, you're modelling to those who follow you that this is exactly what they're supposed to do in their time of need! It may not feel pretty, and it may not feel like any kind of leadership at all, but it is.
If you've come through one of those valleys, I'd love it if you would share below one thing that helped you get through.
If you're in this valley of leader-loneliness right now, drop a prayer request in the comments and I'll pray for you.
Not a leader, but know one?
Pass this article on to them so they can be encouraged. (If they're not in a valley right now, they will be at some point.
Stocke them up with food for the journey ;) )
PS. If you are in that place of isolation and need a trustworthy, understanding person to meet you in it, I happen to offer coaching.
I've worked primarily with entrepreneurs and authors, helping them break through barriers like we've just talked about.
The price is affordable, the coaching is down to earth, and my clients have been changed by our time together.
Find out more on my coaching page here.
