It’s been the hardest year of my life.
The ministry I loved was tearing me apart inside. When I left, I mourned the loss, wondered who I was without that place and those people, and doubted the use of my time there. Had any lasting good come of it? I didn’t know. I’ll tell you, it can be soul-crushing to pour yourself into something or someone only to have it seem like it doesn’t matter.
A few months later my dear friend died suddenly. I had arrived at her apartment to pick her up for an appointment and discovered her lifeless body on the floor. The whole panicked 911 scene unfolded and twenty minutes later it was official. She was no longer in my life. That was just three months ago.
All the while, cancer is trying to consume my mom. It has shrunken her and pained her, but she juts her jaw in determination and keeps on going. I’m so proud of her and so thankful for the way this has brought her strong faith to light. Still, it hurts so much to stand by helplessly watching her suffer.
Then there’s all the regular stress of finances, homeschooling, parenting, marriage, insecurity, self-image, and work.It’s been a lot to deal with.
I think I looked on the outside like I was coping well, but in my deep sorrow I hid. I avoided things. Laundry piles grew tall and multiplied, I spent more time in front of movies than I had in years, and for some reason all my insecurities decided this was the time to wad up into a giant ball of self-loathing.
In my pain and sorrow I did not flourish in joy and faith as some do. Sure, I was still thankful for the gift of these things and people in my life and I trusted His plan was good. But mostly I hid from the pain and cried and indulged, feeling sorry for myself for months. I didn’t feel like much of an example of faith.
I was so mad at me.
Pretty soon I was sure God was mad at me too.
Still, every time I dared to ask Jesus for His perspective or input, I was shocked. He would not hand me a list of things to correct by next Tuesday or else. He did not threaten me or even express disappointment.
He did not condemn me, He called out the good in me.
I would tell myself hateful things and think awful things about myself, but He never did.
“Be yourself” He’d say.
Myself? That can’t be biblical. Besides, don’t you know I’m a weak, selfish coward?
“You’re on the right track.”
“You’re my child and I love you.”
Every time He would speak love to me I would shake my head in disbelief. How could He say that? Didn’t he know who I was and how I was getting it all wrong?
But he kept saying it. Then the encouragement started coming from everywhere. In Sunday morning messages. “I love you. Keep going.” In worship songs. “Keep walking.” “I’ve removed your sins as far as the East is from the West…” In conversations with friends who had no idea their words were breathing life into me.
Like ocean waves His kindness washed over me and over me and I absolutely did not deserve it. His grace made no sense. His mercy defied logic. Either He was crazy or He was telling the truth. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. His kindness was wrecking me. I was helpless against its powers.
All I could do was agree and accept it.
You know what happened then? Gratitude.
How else could I possibly respond to such a wonderful, undeserved gift?
Suddenly I wasn’t ashamed anymore. The burden of guilt and the weight of self-hatred was lifted and all I wanted to do was please the One who is so unabashedly, dangerously good to me.
The pain is still there. My mom still has cancer, and I still mourn my friend. All the stresses of everyday life are still there. Somehow though, the struggle with guilt and anger is gone. It’s okay to hurt and not be happy. People with faith can feel sad and angry and it’s okay. I’m okay.
I learned something about God in all of this. If He can accept me – and He requires absolute obedience and holiness!! – then surely I can accept me too. I choose to agree with Him. What naturally follows is a desire to be what He sees in me. I want to be close to Him. I want to please Him, and believe I already do. Amazing.
I don’t know where you’re at. If you’re feeling discouraged or like God’s mad at you, there’s a risk you need to take. Dare to ask Jesus what HE thinks. And it is daring, especially when you feel like you’re getting it all wrong and He’s going to point out all the flaws.
He’s not as hard on us as we are on ourselves. He is a good, good Father.
Ask Him what He thinks.
It might just change your life.
.
The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
He does not punish us for all our sins, he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
For his unfailing love toward those who fear Him is as great
as the height of the heavens above the earth.
Psalm 103
He does not punish us for all our sins, he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
For his unfailing love toward those who fear Him is as great
as the height of the heavens above the earth.
Psalm 103
